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How Can I Stay Positive After So Much Crap? | matalan

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How Can I Stay Positive After So Much Crap?

hi, let me explain this question in a little more detail. my life has been nothing more then a massive suffer over the last 5 years. i know what your thinking “oh hes just another moody teenager who thinks everyone’s picking on him”. well let me explain my life first. now please, sit back and enjoy while i explain to you my life that has so closely resembled hell for the last 5 years.
it all began in december 2008. my dad told me, “ben come to the living room, me and your mother need a word with you”. i entered the room to find my mother staring at me with a certain look in her eye. i sat beside her. my mum and dad explained to me that the lump in my neck that had been there for 6 months was cancerous. me being 13 at the time automatically assumed death was the only outcome. i was taken to the hospital the very next day to start chemotherapy. i still remember having to go to my grandparents house and explain to them what had happened. i watched tears roll down my grandmas face. 3 days later after the news christmas rocked round. the hugs and the “oh you’ll be ok we love you” was overwhelming. after about 7 months of chemo and an awkward transition into my first year of high school my cancer was cured.
i spent all of 2009 recovering from chemo. 2010 came. i was now in year 10. pretty normal year. did my school work. i got harassed a bit but i was strong and could handle it. 2010 was a pretty well rounded year for me.
2011 came and i was now in my 3rd year of high school. i was the happiest i could be, my school work was improving, strongest relationship i could have had with my friends…until june came. i got a haircut. after the haircut my sister discovered a lump on my neck where the cancer had been 2 years before. rushed to my oncologist to find a confirmed relapse of my cancer, only this time the chemo would be much more intense. i spent 7 months with lines hanging out of my skin while they pumped chemo into me. my immune system was too low so i couldnt see my friends. i was isolated. after 3 heavy doses of chemo resulting me in weeks of staying in the hopsital i was given a bone marrow transplant. i was locked in a room for a month and a half. i was not allowed to leave as my immune system was at serious risk. i wasnt allowed to feel the sun on my face. there was nothing to do in this small room. i lost contact with my friends again as i was pulled out of school. it f**ked me up. i try to act like im normal but im not.
so onwards from 2011 i survived. i went on to 2012 and continued school all while maintaining my grades and keeping up with school. the year progressed and at about march 2012 i turned to pot as a means of blocking out my past and coping. however this pot sent me into a deep teen depression. now this depression was really serious and i didnt know at the time it was the pot doing it. i felt so alone. i felt different due to my past. i felt unloved and i felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. i felt boxed in and i desperately wanted to scream out to someone to help me but i couldnt. i was introduced to alcohol and when i drank i sobbed. i drank heavily too. my friends would have casual drinks and i would get smashed off my face. i was becoming a nuisance. ofcourse none of them knew i was depressed, heck even i didnt know it was depression. when i say this depression was hard i mean it was harder then doing chemo. i didnt wanna keep pushing on. i looked myself in the mirror with a pair of scissors in my hands fantasizing about just ending it right there. along with the depression was social anxiety. it got so bad that i couldnt breathe around people because of the fear i was breathing to loud. sad thing is i was really good at hiding this depression. i kept a fake smile and a fun bubbly attitude all the way through it. about 2 months ago i confessed to my friend i was going through teen depression and he said “but you looked so happy”.
so after a whole year of depression 2013 rocked round. but not before a hefty new years camp party with drunk people who abused me and made me feel like crap. in april 2013 i made a sudden realization it was the pot giving me this depression. i dropped the pot instantly and quit. my depression has slowly eased up and im feeling normal again. however the drinkings still an issue. last saturday night i went to a party and had a bit too much to drink. real issue is that when im drunk all the anger i bottle inside due to my life events come pouring out in aggression. i picked a fight with everyone at the party. i pulled people to the floor. i attacked people and flipped tables. my rampage came to an end when i tripped over the doorway and knocked myself out on the table. so my question is. when you’re given so much crap in life, how do you keep positive and push on. i try to be the strongest i can be, but theres so much an 18 year old can handle.

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2 Responses to “How Can I Stay Positive After So Much Crap?”

  1. Elmbeard says:

    Wow, there’s someone up there who’s got it in for you. My conclusion after reading through all this is: 1. You are a battler. 2. Despite all this, you are still alive and fighting fit. One of the first things I learnt in a first aid course was that, after a major disaster with bodies lying everywhere, the silent ones are the ones to attend to first. The ones that are screaming loud “Help me, I’m dying” have at least a fine pair of lungs and their nervous system intact. I’d have thought after all that chemo, you’d be a zombie by now, but your own natural defences seem more robust that you realise. So on we go. What’s next for the gods to throw at you like someone pitching a brick at you during a baseball game or cricket match? Whatever it is, I think you are more than a little tempted to whack it straight back at the umpire, or whoever is responsible for putting you in such a state. Can’t say I blame you. Might be an idea to go into rehab, or AA classes to deal with the drink. Everyone reacts to drink in different ways. It just sends me to sleep, but it seems to make you crazy. Annoying really, but just another jinx to add to the list for you, I’m afraid. Next thing is some way of letting off all that cooped up steam before going bang again. I don’t expect during all those chemo sessions you’d had much opportunity for sport, but while you’re free of that, it might be an idea to take something up that can soak up all that excess energy. Boxing, maybe? Long distance running is good, since the fresh air and extra oxygen is good for the brain and sorting out depression.

  2. ChiMom says:

    One place to start is with a support system. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a great one. It is free. You can stay as long as you want–or leave. You can listen and not share/talk, if you don’t want to. Many people have saved their lives by way of being in a 12-Step program. Being drunk will find you in prison or a hospital, or dead eventually. You are worth so much more than that. A counselor would also be helpful. Many schools and jobs have free counseling . Good luck.

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